Really not ok

Things have been pretty normal-seeming this weekend. I'm walking around without crutches, we have done some fun things like going outside, baking cookies, dyeing eggs, and we've made a couple of nice dinners... Everything seems fine.

But I am really not ok, and neither is anybody else in the house as far as I can tell.

I'll let my wife speak for herself when she feels like it, but the kids and I are not doing so great.

My son doesn't sleep, his night terrors are back worse than they have ever been, and he has been acting out, which for him mostly means he won't listen to anything.

My daughter is just a mess. She has always had her rages and tantrums, but they are as bad as or worse than they ever have been. If any little thing doesn't go her way, she'll freak out. She won't do her schoolwork and throws a fit about class meetings. She finally talked about it a little bit this afternoon. She said that everything is different now, that it is hard for her not having school, and not seeing her friends or her grandparents, and that it makes everything so hard. I've been trying my best to draw her out - I feel like if I could understand what is bothering her I might be able to help at least a little bit, but she won't talk about what's going on and she just won't let me in.

And me, I'm a wreck. The news every day is worse than the day before. I've been limiting how much I read, but it remains inescapable. There was this dumb fundraiser on last night called Saturday Night Seder. I only caught the tail end of it when they were singing a song about next year. It was kind-of a terrible song, but I was sobbing through it. Any little thing that reminds me about the mess we're in just reminds me of how scared and worried I am. Right now I have a hard time thinking about tomorrow or next week, much less next month or next year.

I actually don't mind the isolation aspect of it all. Being stuck at home isn't that much of a problem when you like being home and dislike being around too many people. But it is impossible for me to shake the sense of impending doom. I am scared for my parents, my children, my wife and myself, not to mention the whole world. I feel like it is only a matter of time before the virus touches someone close to me, and that is terrifying. (Minutes after I wrote that I learned that my mother's cousin died from COVID-19 today. I never knew him, but I still feel the loss.)

So yeah, things aren't great. Despite our privilege and advantages, we are still only just barely getting by emotionally. I suspect that is probably the case for most people right now whether they care to admit it or not.